Sucker-Punched by Jesus.

I admit that twice two makes four is an excellent thing, but if we are to give everything its due, twice two makes five is sometimes a very charming thing, too.

~Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

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Step, step, shimmy, step, pivot, look, step.

So, we have shimmied and stepped our way to the 50th post on this damned page. How intriguing. Can you believe this huge milestone has come around so quickly? And nobody has thus far come around baring gifts. I wouldn't have minded a cake, some candles. Maybe a kiss on the cheek? But don't fret. I will celebrate in my own quixotically tragic ways. There is joy inside the heart of those who can look back and see things clearly. Maybe this milestone is more of a millstone around my neck. Damn, I am a perceptive man.

And thus, you bruised and battered beauties, we shall make a list. A list of some things I love, and some things I can't stand. It shall be an exciting journey into my psyche, I suspect. Either that, or a bunch of boring shit. There's not much in between.

Things I Love:

Friends. Where else can we be the fools we are inside than with our friends?

Family. They're all fucked, but they're still there.

Freckle. My newest friend, my closest ally.

The letter 'F'. That makes it four in a row for this crazy little shape. Get your freak on, F-bomb.

Chocolate Muffins from Countdown. Awesome, when I'm hungry enough to eat.

Haggard. One of the best movies ever made. Full of quotes I will be spouting when I'm old and in a wheel chair.

Craig Marriner. The man.

HST. The Godfather.

The written word. You callous fiend, I am addicted to your fickleness.

Fall Out Boy. A band with more brains than people give them credit for. Let's let the irony flow like wine, coz hot-damn, you short Chicago imps, you got some clever things to say.

Alexisonfire. Come back to New Zealand and I will own your pit, you fucking geniuses.

Sleep. You don't like me, you sick bastard, but I sure as hell love you. Let's try to get reacquainted. Please?

The Lakes. My life flows through your waters like the blood flows through my veins.

The Green Fairy. Never has such a drink passed my lips. I'll catch that fairy one day, if it takes me forever.

Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson. Heroes.

Speedos. The best swimwear ever invented.

Ruud, from "Buggin' with Ruud". This guy is hilarious. If you haven't seen him, you need to. You'll fall off your seat laughing at his ridiculousness.

Things I Can't Stand:

Stupid People. Idiots.

Smarmy People. Douchebags.

Snobby People. Wankers.

Short People. Get taller.

People who steal other people's Passports. This is the stupidest thing I have ever witnessed.

People in general. Goddamn, we suck ass.

Straight Edge Kids. Euphemism for cockrags.

Venlafaxine. The bane of my life, but necessary. Catch 22's suck.

Sunburn. Who invents shit like this?

Shit music. Enough said.

Bad Drivers. Argh.

Mental Illness. Tell me why this even has to exist.

Pants. If I could avoid being arrested for indecent exposure, I would never wear pants.

Stubbing my toe. If stubbing my toe was a person, he'd have a hunch-back, he'd piss his pants in public, and he'd smell like cheese.

Flies. We need fly-spray armed with Gatling guns like that Black Flag ad. That would be sweet.

Right Wing Politics. The stupid people with the most money, the least sense and the greatest share of power and influence. Help us.

Tom Cruise. Tiny man who would be taller if he lay on his back and you measured the height of his nose. Who the hell goes on the Oprah show, anyways?

Scientology. This was a nice little segway, don't you think? Talking about that little Hobbit and then straight into that nut-bag church of which Cruise is the most high-profile member. I should become a script writer coz I can 'seg' with the best of 'em.

Shortland Street. Who the fuck watches this crap? I could scrape road-kill off the highway and it could act better than 90% of the people on this show.

Poisonous Spiders. Whilst I respect the coolness of these guys, I don't like 'em that much.

Mullets. Why in the name of everything that is good in the world is this haircut making a comeback? Irony? Can't be, because the majority of the idiots who have mullets these days couldn't tell you what irony is if their lives depended on it. Humour? I'm sceptical. I don't think self-deprecation is a strong-suit of most hillbillies and middle-class white teenagers who get mullets. Stupidity? Almost certainly the real reason. Stupidity is as prevalent as air these days.

Mick Hucknell. I'm almost tempted to put this guy on the good list. If you don't know who he is, he's the singer from the timeless band "Simply Red". A brilliant man.

People who make no attempt to spell or write correctly. ii mEean hu iz st0opid enuf ta wRiite lyk dis roflmao?!?!?!

Rampant Consumerism. Just put it back on the shelf, go home, and be nice to your family and friends, you shmuck.

Blatant Product Placement in Hollywood Movies. This phenomenon is so frustrating, because once you start noticing it in one movie, you notice it in every other movie, too. Subway, shoe companies, telecommunications companies, they're all plugging shit on film. Take a good look at the signage you see in the background of shots in Hollywood movies next time you watch one. That Reebok sign isn't there by accident.

Wally Lamb. Sorry to get you again, mate, but I'm not a fan.

Liquor Bans at beaches. I understand the rationale, it just sucks that I can't drink a beer on the sand.

The Movie "Boat Trip". I haven't even seen this film, I just saw the ad on TV. It looks like absolute shit.

I could go on forever here, but I better not. Making lists can be a time-consuming business, and it probably isn't a good idea to get too caught up in making them. I just figured out that this isn't even the actual 50th post, because I have a few drafts sitting in my inbox waiting to be tweaked, polished and refined for publication. Unfortunately this crazy site counts those drafts as posts, which is a curious thing. So really I wrote this special list for no reason. Ho ho, how apt.

I have had enquiries as to why there was no post yesterday, which is flattering. At least some people are still interested in this ode to the tragic artist. Would that I could make the world a little different. Change around some circumstances to put myself and the people I care about on a more steady path. I'd like to align the planets so that everything made a little more sense. You'll never hear, or read, me saying that life's not fair. You'll never hear me saying "poor me". I know life is not so simple, and I loathe people who talk like that. But you will hear me say I wish I could change it. You will read wishes I make about having better timing. I won't lie, there are people I would rather have spent these last years with than the people I did. There are places I would rather have gone, and experiences I would rather have had than the ones I went to and had. But I am thankful for what has come to pass. It has been harrowing, and it has almost destroyed me completely, but it has been my life.

I wonder if any of you angels feel the same. Can any of you honestly say that you wouldn't change a thing? It is a querulous thing that I don't know anyone who is completely pleased with the way their chips have fallen. How does that reflect on me?

Would I make your list of things you love?