Bottles With No Labels.

Whatever you choose to do with your life is alright with me. It always will be.

~Tamatukihau Ahipene.

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Where do I start tonight? These have been a golden couple of days, but also very difficult. I can't seem to reconcile the two inside my head. I am a man with many ideas, many theories, many confusing problems. I know myself better now today than I have in an extremely long time. Perhaps better than ever. Shit, how do we stumble upon these things like a child's toy in the dark? How is it that life slides in and out of the shadows when it feels like it? Why am I always asking stupid, inane questions? I never get the answers and I never will.

The story of these last days is not mine to tell right now. I will tell it, but it needs time, and perspective. I have a dull feeling in the pit of my chest that tells me the time that this all makes sense will be after she is gone from the world, from our lives, from our family. I have never seen my Grandmother cry in any other situation than a family tragedy. To see her weeping because she can't remember who I am, where she is, or what she is doing is strange. But I am taking strength from it. I have had the luck of having strong women in my life from the day I was born, and she is one of them. So I smile, I put her in a soft chair and I tell her what the world has in store for us. I put her mind at ease; stop the race car in her mind from spinning out of control.

We have come full circle. It is my time now to protect her and to keep her happy, fed, clothed and clean. I am discovering strengths and weaknesses I perhaps hadn't counted on finding. That is inevitable. But I am, right now, in complete control. This is a motherfucking comeback of blockbuster proportions. This is the making of me.

But the full narrative has to ferment inside the brewery of my mind. It has to find its fullness, its flavour, its context. It has to bow, as we all do, to the wiles of time. So I will wait on it. I will lay anchor and hope that one day it becomes the basis of something brilliant. A tale to have your hearts in your throats, your minds in a daze, your thoughts in a flurry. For that is what this is. This is more than anything I have so far learned. Listen to your elders, slack-jaws, they will teach you without even meaning to.

Beside this lake I feel fully alive for the first time in years. I feel strength inside of me that has been missing for such a very long time. I become the man I was supposed to be when I immerse myself in the world of my childhood, from a man's perspective. I turn this sickness into a follower, and myself into a leader. I feel conviction, as I type this, inside that I have lacked the audacity to control. I am ready to take everything I need in this moment. If you could see the fire in my eyes now, you forceful friends, you would never think me capable of plumbing the depths I have. You would never believe I have been the places I have been, or felt death in my bones. You would fall in love with this feeling if you caught it for yourself, like a beautiful butterfly in a net.

And perhaps I'll never raise to this height again. I feel completely in control of my past, my present, my future. I feel like the world is cowed at my feet like a whipped dog. I sense the sickness fleeing me. I am the Hunter for the first time. I am who I was always meant to be. I am who I was always meant to be. I am who I was always meant to be.

Manic, now. Peripatetic thoughts, wafting, waving, eviscerating. Flying off the handle. This is like a drug. This is power. Ah, I understand the things they always say about it being akin to a narcotics high, now. Tonight I will lose myself to this binge, I will be a junky for the triumph rather than the terror for the first time. The planets are aligned and shining in the sky. The lake is the unblinking eye I always imagined it to be, and it sees me here on its shores. It feels my strength, not subversive anymore, but running amok. Taking the world by storm, taking my head to places I haven't experienced since the day I dropped that tab of acid and watched a moustached-gondolier sing opera for hours on my finger-ring, while my girlfriend ripped clumps of her hair out, chunks of her scalp off, escaping a swarm of imaginary bees. Yeah, I'm in Vienna again. I am the ghost of something powerful, and I'm floating through my own dreams like a perition. I am who I was always meant to be.

And it is scaring me making me worried fearful fretting now about the way its turning on me just like the drugs always do its inevitable they are evil things they are made to show you the height of the world from the depths of it so the vista isn't real the view is skewed your perspective is wrong all wrong and you can't control it it controls you it shows you who to be and how to act it is a government inside a pill a dictator who fools you with the notion that you control your actions while it puppets you on strings and sends you flailing across the stage like a marionette while everybody laughs and everybody cries and everybody gasps at all the right moments like the whole thing was scripted from the start but you couldn't see it you were blind you were distracted you were caught up in the love of the power the love of the freedom the sense that you had a grip on the wheel and the ice had thawed and the road was newly sealed and was no longer loose gravel and dust but it always will be because you don't lay the pavement you just drive the highway lines in your beat up conveyance that you can't afford to run but can't afford not to have because we need to go places we have to be here and there and we have to be everywhere at once these days are getting quicker the lights are off I'm beside the lake I think I can drown myself I think I can hold my breath forever I am the only one who can pull this off not a one of you can match me I am visceral I am perfect I am everything you have always wanted me to be I am Me but that could never be enough could it would it be different if I calmed down and looked around or closed my eyes and ran as hard as fast as I can would I find the end the drop off the cliff face the waterfall before I find the bomb the trigger the anchor the rope the noose the pills the bottle and the car with the pipe inside the window inside the garage with a sign on the door saying do not enter because you know the carbon monoxide will kill you too you can't come in it's a room of death when you do that is it fair is it evil is it just plain irresponsible I don't have the answers I have the problems I have solutions for the wrong quiz and you're buying the page from me in the bathroom and getting it all wrong when you fill in the blanks but whose fault is it is it mine is it yours is it everyone who ever wronged you made you feel bad made you cry made you unsure of where your strengths lay you know you can't make amends with your apathy or your empathy they are set like stone statues they are lit up with napalm they are melting from the inside out like the kids in Saigon and the world press ain't writing the true story I'm writing it I'm writing the script to a tragedy you want to star in it who is an actor who is an actress who wants directorial responsibility you'll get a credit at the end scrolling down the black screen in white print easy to read font your family and friends can see it and smile and shake hands and laugh and buy you drinks at the after party cut you a line in the bathrooms roll you the note tell you how hard you need to snort how you need to relax a little this is a CELEBRATION this is the beginning of something big this is your ticket to ride man this is your ticket to STARDOM this is you ticket to FAME and FORTUNE and this will bring you happiness all because you took a chance on me and all because you had the talent and the heart and the passion and the drive and you didn't doubt for a second you had faith and even god will get a look-in he needs some credit he is underrated look I haven't even bothered with a capital letter for Him until right now that is disrespectful have you no shame you cretin you scoundrel you fiend you whore you dirty stinking animal you are filth you are fucked you disgust us get out get out GET OUT of the room you are no longer welcome go crawl into the hole you came from this is no place for someone like you we have standards we have moral codes and whispers to tell and you are not a part of the circle here you are an outsider you are a strange man a weird man a freak you are not made for all of this you are the marionette who are you supposed to be GET OUT!!!!!!!

are you scared yet