Something is seriously wrong with me tonight. I think I am losing my mind completely. I need to get away from everything. There's too much noise. Too many voices calling at me, screaming in my face, turning my jangled nerves to frayed, dangling wires, pulled out of the wall. Whispers in the back of my mind, telling me to go and end it all. Urging me, pushing me towards the edge. Selling me the view from the top of the cliff before pushing me off the precipice. No one can pull me away because I'm on an inextricable march towards it. The longer I stay here, on this path, the longer I delay the inevitable. It is unequivocal. I am dying inside and I may as well make it official on the outside. If there are heavens and hells to pass through, I have done so already. I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am ready. I am I am I am I am I am I am I am regretful. I am so sorry.
Dearest Sanity,
I lost you on a summer's eve
When worlds were more than air and trees
I sat beneath the branches then
And put a bullet through my head
I can't rhyme. I can't find a sane way to put this. I can't see. I am blind. I am freezing cold and numb to everything. I want to burn myself to feel something. I want to cut myself open to see if there's anything left inside. I haven't got an iota of self-worth in my veins. I am nothing. I am a disgrace to everyone I know. I am a waste. I want to punish myself for being such a failure. I want to put myself into eternal purgatory for being such a selfish, weak piece of shit my whole life. I want to kill myself because it is the final exclamation mark on the story of a fucked up, loathsome, disgusting fucking loser. I want to apologise for all I've done wrong by blowing my brains out the back of my head. I need need need to show you how sorry I am. I want want want. I am am am. You were were were. You were everything to me, my darling.
And why can't I let it all go? Where does it store itself inside my head? How come my serotonin levels just disappeared? My father cursed me with this. He cursed us. He killed me when he killed himself. The moment he died was the moment I died, too. It just took a few years. He put me on the path and closed it off behind me. I can beat against the barrier but I can't get out. I can't fucking blow this shit apart and pick up the pieces of myself. I'm too tired. I am a walking ghost. A zombie. I am ready to shut my eyes and never see again. I am a coward like you were, you fuck. You self-indulgent pariah. I wish you weren't a part of me. I wish I came from clean seed. I wish my father was my hero, not my darkest secret, my enemy. I fucking hate you, you selfish cunt.
I am sorry for the swears. I apologise for the mixed messages. I implore you to fight on in your own lives. Don't ever give in to the despair. Don't ever let someone take your life away from you. Smile through and see the positives. I want you to read these words and know that I was not strong enough, but you can be. I am made of baser metals. You are made of the resilient stuff. You are you are.
Fuck it. I need to get out of the house. I'm going out. I'm going to find a place where I can sit and look for the shards of my sanity. You will never see the real me.
Who scares you most in the world?
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