I'm So Emo I Got Punched Over By A Care Bear.

As long as there is still breath left in your body, friend - just move.

A most heartfelt and sunny good morning to all of you who are waking on the northern side of the earth as you read this. Perhaps you are in a country of states, who through their combined love of guns, capitalism and unjust wars, have become united as one. A united conglomeration of states, if you will. If so, I wish I was there with you to greet a snowy morning wrapped up warm beside you. Dreams are free, after all.

Today has been much more productive, and subsequently much more positive. Word from the publishers came and this mail should arrive some time tomorrow for me to cast critical eyes over and attempt to find ways to wrangle a few more dollars from the deal. If I'm getting given the short-straw then I'll pull the plug on it quickly. There is plenty of time for my words to become ingrained in the minds of many. For now, I am content enough with the few who pass by here everyday to keep an eye on me. Spread the word, if you think others might want to read these words. Let's start a cult following now, so that you can all tell me how much I've changed when I'm world famous. Ho ho, if only.

The world is on fast-forward and I'm still on pause. The effect of this is that suddenly we are cresting the wave of another Christmas and I'm yet to realise it fully. Took my little bro to town to do his shopping and couldn't believe the throngs of consumers invading the consumption centres in the middle of this city. News last night that consumer spending is only up 1.3% on last year. Excuse me while I sit here with a confused look on my face and a knowing murmur in the back of my head. Apparently even in these harsh economic times - when we're constantly told that we can't afford a block of cheese or another "necessities" - we can somehow continue to spend more money than last year, and grow our economy. So tell me again why we voted this right-wing government in last month? Must be those oh so helpful tax cuts they rushed through under urgency last week. Yeah, ok.

But enough of that hogwash. Consumerism doesn't interest me tonight. My imagination is in high gear and cruising across the asphalt of my mind like some perfectly-tuned mental-machine. If it were real, I'd paint it bright red with some yellow racing-stripes down the side, sit you in the passenger seat and go out looking at the interesting things that float by. The wind will make me look scruffy, but it will make you look even more beautiful. How is it that this sort of thing happens? Cursed scruffy boys and our crappy toys.

I've got another adventure for when you return. Let's go to Wellington, dress up real nice - suit, tie and top-hat for me (maybe a cane), and a beautiful, shimmering green dress for you (maybe some ribbons in your hair) - and sneak our way into some high-faluting political party. We'll hob-nob with the cream of this country's political landscape; share tales with rich folks who'll wonder who the good-looking young girl is who's charming the room, and the young chap with the suave top-hat who keeps telling all those funny stories. We'll sip on champagne and eat hor d'oeuvres; we'll chuckle behind our hands at the drunken drivel that spouts from the mouths of these high-powered fools; and we'll walk home afterwards - wobbling a little - arm-in-arm. You'll giggle too loudly while I'm unlocking the hotel door, and I'll tell you to be quiet or you'll wake the whole floor. You'll tell me to stop being such a wuss, and I'll laugh till someone next door tells me to pipe down. Fuck it, we'll even drink the mini-bar dry before we crash out. You only live once, right?

It could be a little more wild - or a lot more - but the fun is in the subtlety. If you're not satisfied the next day we'll go find an elephant park where you get to ride the big bastards around for exorbitant prices for small amounts of time. Yee-haw.

Anyway, gentle readers, I hope you have been sleeping well and that your day is brightly coloured. I'm watching Southpark and it's time to get my laugh on. Can't wait for our next rendezvous...

If being a celebrity impersonator was lucrative, would you do it for a living?