An Ode to The Green Fairy.

Me and Mosquitoes have got beef.

Breathing in rarefied air tonight. My headphones are barely working in my left ear, and it's throwing me off my game. I apologise in advance.

Well, how about this weather? If sunshine were Absinthe, I'd be pretty well aquainted with "The Green fairy." As it stands, sunshine is still just sunshine, bruises are bruises, and my brain is out of synch with my emotive core. Tick, tick, boom! I'll explode one day and we'll all swear I was a different boy in the snapshots we've got stored in our memory-banks. But I think I'd look good in a straight-jacket. It'll go well with my beard.

I'm in the mood for dancing, romancing. One dollar a kiss, any takers? I hear the crowds lining up as the keys tap, tap, tap the silence away. Most girls don't know what love is till they lay eyes on me and my cheeky little grin. Most women swear they'd rather spend their days in a cold, cold grave than watch me holding hands with someone else. Most men envy me and my scars. Oh, yeah, they surely do. If you can't smell the facetious fumes wafting through your screens, I'd say you've got bigger problems than just a poor sense of smell.

My mind's a little out of whack tonight, but I'm gunna fly on the crests of waves created by today's greatest vocalists: PS and Dallas Green. I'm gunna send my spirit away for a re-vamp with today's greatest lyricists: PW and Tim Freedman. Oh, sweet release and sour envy, mixed together you taste like salvation to me. That or Absinthe. Yeah, I got a new muse to sit beside my Black Heart rum.

I wonder if she knows, over there in the rich part of town, that I'm sitting here thinking of her. I wonder if she's returning the favour. This is becoming a recurring theme, and I already know, deep down in the places I don't like to look, that she's not. Someone come hold my hand through these long, dusty nights. I'm not used to the moon all on my own. Maybe my love life peaked early? It sure feels that way.

It is the last day of my least favourite month. We won the Grand Slam, and the rugby public sits subdued as they watch Robbie Deans get found out by Warren Gatland and the below-par Welsh. The Black Caps spent the day chasing leather around the Adelaide Oval, no doubt as happy as me to see November pass by for another year. University students have arrived home and the girls are pretty. I'm bearded and bloated and bashful as all hell. Where have you hidden, confidence? Yeah, like I ever had you to begin with.

If you'd been born the opposite sex, what would your mum have called you?